Living well without manipulating

               Being well bred is not about creating, seeking out, or living in an environment in which others treat us properly.   So much of what I read online puts the responsibility on the individual to create their world.   Think about phrases such as “Create the life of your dreams,” “Surround yourself with those who appreciate you,” “Don’t associate with haters”– and the overall message that if you act a certain way you will command respect.   I have been researching corset wearing lately for shaping up purposes after discovering that I have diastasis recti (I had four kids in five years);   I was surprised to see a line stating that wearing corsets increases one’s posture and poise, which can therefore elicit greater respect and attention from those around the wearer.

               Reading all of this, being bombarded by it every day, especially by those of us who enjoy self-improvement blogs and reading, it’s hard not to come away with the impression that much of what happens to us is controlled by us.   Another reason that it’s hard for me to let go of that concept is that I was raised in legalistic religious settings for most of my youth, and I heard preaching that lifestyle choices were directly linked to outcomes that I know now happen randomly to people across the globe.

               But the truth is simply this:   being well bred (or living a refined life, living holistically, living mindfully and joyfully, or whatever one’s goal is in pursuing the well bred lifestyle) does not involve creating circumstances, either directly or indirectly, that coincide with one’s values.   Of course, one should create circumstances that meet one’s needs;   be it moving into or out of a housing situation, picking the best job or career, eating and dressing a certain way, reading this or watching that on television, etc.   Everyone has control over some aspects of life, if we take the time to figure out what they are.   Beyond that, we have control over our response to what happens to us.

               To be more specific, I have gotten the impression from reading various etiquette, well breeding, and gentility websites and books that the polite people of the world need to attempt to instill politeness everywhere, similar to how anti-smoking activists have mostly eliminated smoking in public places and restaurants.   Some of these politeness pioneers only insist it be done gently and subtly, leading by example;   others will go so far as to consider themselves the voice meant to caution a stranger’s disruptive child, to lecture a rude customer in line in front of them, etc.   I believe that such people have good intent.   It’s not that I don’t think what they’re doing will work, though I am sure that leading by example is more effective than lecturing or jumping into another family’s disciplinary issue.   But my point is that although we do lead by example, for better or for worse, our motive should not be trying to create a happier, more self-serving (for indeed it would be) world that teems with gracious, polite, well adjusted people who both appreciate our efforts to be well bred and reciprocate with their own best intentions.   We should live as well bred as possible based on our knowledge and capabilities;   however, to do so out of a desire, ever so subtle or well meaning, to change others or elicit different reactions is misguided and futile.   That is because there will always be at least one person that won’t reciprocate, can’t appreciate the efforts, and simply won’t care.   They won’t care how tall and straight your corset makes your stand;   your soft words will only infuriate them more;   they’ll think your well manicured appearance is an attempt to show off or one up.   In my opinion, it seems the number of sociopaths and narcissists is skyrocketing in the United States today, and in my short existence I have seen many reactions that simply did not make sense based on the “If I act properly, I’ll elicit a favorable response” logic.

               I feel this subject urgently needs to be discussed because there is so much opinion to the contrary, that living this way or doing that thing will “win friends, influence people, command respect, earn yourself a job promotion.”   I even see job promotions, greater influence, higher pay, and a happier existence promoted as the effects of having a personal style or color analysis done.   While I would love to have a personal image analysis–I’ve already picked out this creative stylist for when I save up the funds–I want it for myself—for the pleasure I derive from fine form, beautiful symmetry, and coordinating colors in my best hues.   Dressing as mindfully as possible would make me feel happy and better about myself.   I have already noticed a marked difference in the behavior of those around me when I wear my best colors;   in public, people often rush to open the door for me or offer to assist me.   But I don’t do it, nor do I believe I should do it, to manipulate other people.   I have been reading a lot lately on psychology and the effects people have on each other (Quiet by Susan Cain is a must read), and I keep going back to the Bible’s frequent descriptions of people as sheep (^{1 2 3}).   Manipulating people is easy;   so easy, in fact, that most of us do it every day either unwittingly or with the best intentions.   But to behave in any way in order to elicit positive responses from others is manipulation and should not be one’s reason for acting well bred.

               To sum up, we cannot, nor should we try, to control the circumstances around us in order to create a more genteel life.   We cannot teach every rude person how to respond better to us;   no amount of dressing well will ensure we’re always treated like the Queen;   a soft answer doesn’t always turn away wrath;   and there are so many narcissists on the loose that I have considered becoming a hermit.   We should always do what lines up with our principles and act in a way that enriches our own lives;   responding graciously to a rude person enables us to sleep well at night and teaches our children a valuable character lesson;   dressing well elevates our mood and reduces stress;   soft words spoken in the heat of the moment will need no taking back.   We will probably influence many others for good, but there are those that will not be changed and it isn’t our responsibility to try changing them.   It’s time to take the burden for other’s behavior off ourselves, my friends;   a life well lived in line with your principles is your legacy to the world, not your obligation.

My well bred way – opportunity to guest post

               The least expected yet most wonderful outcome of this blog has been the community of people who have joined me along the way toward becoming a well bred woman in progress.  I have enjoyed hearing your insights into refined living, genteel manners, beautiful surroundings, and the fullness of life.  Truly, as iron sharpens iron, your words of encouragement and wise insights have furthered me on the path to well bred living.   The time has come to extend my platform to you, my cherished readers, to share with me your own journey to becoming refined, genteel, happy, and whole.  I would love for you to contact me via this page to share a story, be it ever so brief or long, of something that you have accomplished or are working toward in becoming the person you wish to be.  It can be a general lifestyle evolution or a specific area;  the guidelines are that it embodies the vision of this site and, most importantly, reflects a positive feeling on your part: a lesson learned or learning, a goal reached or reaching to, a new habit established or in the process of establishing.  As we strive for a deeper understanding of life daily, I wish to celebrate the journeys of all my readers, current and future, who would like to share.   The strength of a group is unparalleled, and the success of one is the success of her community and our world.  I will keep your personal information private:  if you wish to attach your name to your story, we will use first name only or another form acceptable to you.  If I wish to edit the material for clarity, length, or another reason I will finalize the draft with you via email before publishing. This is a public blog so anything you agree with me to post will be publicly visible and searchable, and I own the copyright to everything posted on the site although proper credit, within the bounds of privacy, will be rendered.  If you have your own blog and wish to post via it, please let me know in the contact form and we will make arrangements accordingly.  If you have been seeking a chance to share your thoughts on well bred living, I hope to hear from you!

Reader request: handling unwanted Facebook friend requests

               From time to time, we have all received unwanted friend requests on Facebook. Per a reader’s request, I wrote the following to demonstrate how I would handle such a matter; I hope it is helpful for those who may find themselves in this situation.

               First of all, trust your instincts and be assured that whatever reasons you have for not wanting to befriend someone on Facebook are valid.   A Facebook account can reveal much personal information, acting as a sort of journal, photo album, billboard, and calendar.   In my opinion, a person revealing any personal info has every right to be choosy about whom she shares it with, and I believe that Facebook friends should be picked as carefully as one’s friends in real life.   If the person requesting friendship is on the outside of your real life friends circle for whatever reason, it is probably best to skip Facebook friendship as that is so superficial to begin with that it will likely never lead to anything deeper.

               When dealing with the unwanted request, ignore it instead of deleting it.   If you delete, the same person will be able to add you again, and you may find yourself caught up in a cycle of requesting and deleting, certainly not an elegant way to handle things.   If things have already progressed to this point, you may consider blocking her.   However, since she already knows how to access your profile, if all access to you (and comments from you on mutual friends’ pages) disappears, it will be fairly obvious to her that you blocked her, and this may lead to hurt feelings and an unpleasant exchange.   That said, if you ever feel the need to block anyone for any reason, I encourage you to do so;   it is just Facebook, after all, and you have every right to live by boundaries that make you feel comfortable.

               Next, you must deal with the possible confrontation with the person whose request you rejected or ignored.   If you did not block her, she may still be able to see you online, especially since Facebook’s privacy policy has loosened up in recent years.   You can still set everything on your profile (except cover photo) to friends only and your message and request preferences to “friends of friends.”   But whatever you post on the page of a mutual friend between you and her could be seen by her, as well as anything you post publicly such as on a page or public profile.   So not befriending someone on Facebook may not necessarily insulate you from any drama someone wishes to stir up based on what you say on there.

               If the person who sent the request confronts you in person and asks if you got the request, or worse, demands why you haven’t accepted it, the best answer is a truthful, non-apologetic one about your preferences, such as one I commonly use:  “Thank you for the request, but I limit my Facebook to family members and close friends” or “I saw your request, but recently decided to limit my Facebook to family only.”   No one but you can determine who you consider family and close friends, so that answer generally does not leave room for discussion, but the person may choose to take offense.   Still, remain firm and elegant, because it is within your right to be as discriminating as you want with something like a social networking profile.   Above all, refrain from going back and forth, one of the most inelegant maneuvers ever to my mind, and either change the subject or excuse yourself if someone presses you for a response.   Imagine your calm, imperturbable spirit being the cold water doused upon the flames of contention.

               To sum up, be picky about who you befriend online and kind but clear when you are questioned about it.   Others may disagree, but in my mind it does not even come close to being snobby to befriend certain people on Facebook and not others.   To me, the true test of character and manners still occurs with how people treat each other in real life, since the internet is merely a portal through which communication occurs, not the culmination of human interaction.   For example, pretending that a seat is reserved when it is not at lunch, ignoring someone who communicates with you at work, being petty, or something else juvenile like that, would definitely be rude;   not befriending a co-worker on a social network for any reason?   Certainly not.

The well-bred woman and the perceptions of others

               Recently I read an article summarizing common manners that children should learn. One of them was that a child should say “excuse me” when interrupting or bumping into someone. One commenter mentioned that the phrase “excuse me” should be replaced with “pardon me” as the former could be presumed to be sarcastic. That made me think about how much a person ought to modify her behavior based on the perceptions of others.

               I admit, most of my life I have tried to please people. If I had an overarching goal for 2014, it would be to finally shake off the shackles that urge me to consider everyone else’s opinions and feelings before my own. Being considerate is a regular theme here on the blog, and it mostly stems from my mantra that I should treat others in the same way I wish to be treated. But how far is too far to go in considering others? Consider the example above. Is it acceptable for an adult to just assume, upon hearing the words, “Excuse me” from a child, that the child was being sarcastic? Is it acceptable for a child to tiptoe through life always wondering how his words will be perceived by others to the point that everything he says has to be based on a preconceived judgment call of his listener’s reaction? When laying out the issue in this way, surely one can see how quickly that way of thinking, speaking, and living would become exhausting and dull. Bringing matters back to the theme of this blog, how should a well-bred woman make decisions when considering the perceptions of others?

               A dearly respected woman I knew as a child often told me that she felt it inappropriate for two adults of the opposite gender to be together in any situation alone, even if they both had spouses, be it a room of a larger building or a house. Once when she was visited by a male friend of her in-laws, she politely refrained to invite him into her home based on her convictions. As I aged, I did not see the need for her rule, thinking it stiff and prudish. I myself have admitted a couple of repairmen into my home since marrying, and I am unsure whether the awkwardness I felt was from the guilt of not following my friend’s rule or from the incessant frivolous chatter the repairmen engaged in. There was a time, before I became more self-respecting, that I found other men generally treated me better when my husband was present. I have since grown to both demand and give more respect as I have aged, and that has eliminated a lot of the awkwardness in these types of interactions. But that was not my friend’s main reason for her rule; she was afraid that the neighbors would think something negative if they saw her inviting a man into her home with no one else, besides her children, present. She assumed what the perceptions of others would be and acted accordingly.

               There is no denying that what women do will be noticed and judged by others. There is no escaping it, either. A well-bred woman typically has a firm foot in society, and will therefore not wish to engage in behavior that consistently alienates others from her, no matter her motives. But a well-bred woman also has a deep-seated character, true and moral, that guides her actions, and although she is not perfect all the time, she strives to always have a good reason for everything she does. She also prizes individuality and personal development, and she will do what she wants and what is best for her and her family even if it does not always conform to the opinions of others. Therefore, I believe the key to a well-bred woman’s dealing with the perceptions of others is balance. She should not rely so heavily on what others might think that she makes every decision based on this assumption. One cannot really know what others will think anyway, and often one would be surprised to know how little others do notice every minute detail one mentally strives about. On the other extreme, she should not live life so carefree as to never consider how others may be affected by her choices. An example that comes to mind is the recent encounter I had with someone’s sharing my personal information in an attempt to do a good deed, as I later found out. She was well-meaning but oblivious to the discomfort she caused me when I was contacted by a stranger who knew far more about me than I did about them. All of it ended up stemming from my acquaintance’s desire to do something kind, but she completely forgot to visualize the situation from my point of view and perceive how I might have reacted. In this case, I believe that considering my feelings should have carried more weight than the woman’s individualistic desire to carry out this particular plan as a gesture of goodwill.

               I cannot give a list of specific rules telling you when to choose to guess someone’s reaction and when to follow your heart. I believe the truly well-bred woman will be able, as she lives and loves and feels her way throughout the years, to strike a balance of knowing how to act in each situation. For the example of a child’s speech, I believe that considering the colloquialism in one’s local area is in order. If a woman lives in an area where “excuse me” is commonly taken to mean something sarcastic, while “pardon me” is readily understood and appreciated, she will probably choose to teach her children the latter phrase out of consideration to others. But if that is not the case, there is no need for every woman across America to make her children adopt the “pardon me” phrase; in another area where it is colloquially out of context, it could appear as sarcastic as “excuse me” does in some areas. A well-bred woman knows the general fluctuations of societal current in her area and is able to deftly steer her life ship through the boulders of public opinion while staying true to the undercurrent of her unique convictions, personality, and style. In the case of inviting a male visitor into her home while she is alone, a repair truck in the driveway and a brief stay is less likely to leave a suspicious impression on the neighbors than a mysterious stranger keeping long hours. Overall, it is up to each individual to decide how deeply influenced she will be by the perceptions of others. I cannot tell her the level of comfort she should feel, because only she knows it. And overall, as a well-bred woman in progress myself, I strive to respect the decisions of others and return them the very good grace of not jumping to conclusions about their behavior, no matter what they should choose to do.

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” (Matthew 7:7)

Informal small group etiquette

               Well-rounded, elegant women participate in society to varying degrees based on their knowledge, background, interests, and comfort levels. To sharpen their intellect, share their skills or talents, socialize with others, and contribute to the betterment of society, there exist many social group settings in which a proper lady may choose to participate. For many of these groups, there are meetings in which group participation is expected. The groups to which I refer are informal, voluntary gatherings of people that do not hold to official business meeting procedures, such as Robert’s Rules of Order. In my own life, these are mainly church-related events such as Sunday Schools, Bible studies, or ministry teams. Though not a formal business meeting, following common standards of politeness and consideration of others facilitates a more enjoyable, productive meeting for everyone involved.

               The key to success in an interactive group meeting is to recognize both aspects of participation: speaking and listening. One may choose mostly to listen, seldom or never speaking; however, the woman more inclined to talk must not neglect the importance of listening as well. Even if someone feels she never has something to offer out loud, she should know that thoughtfully paying attention to others is a valued contribution indeed. Whether one speaks or listens, it is helpful to know both when and how to do so.

When to speak

               When a topic is being discussed by everyone, a lady may speak during a proper opening in the conversation (i.e., not breaking in while someone else is pausing for breath). If the group leader is conducting group business, she will not interject until the leader opens up the group for questions. She ought to speak only when she can share a completely formed thought that adds value to the discussion. Interrupting is always impolite, even if someone else is dominating the conversation. She will not express an opinion on every topic that comes up, though she will mentally form opinions on everything in order to stay focused on the group’s mindset and business and to stay mentally sharp. She will not feel obligated to speak every time there is a silence but will recognize that pauses are helpful for the participants to absorb what has been said and reflect upon their own thoughts. She knows that making a statement simply to break the silence will only make her look foolish.

How to speak

               The well-bred woman will make her point succinctly and clearly, staying on topic instead of rambling from point to point. To best reach the hearts and minds of her fellow members, she will stay personable yet impersonal, expressing ideas and insights based on the common knowledge of the group (i.e. the book being read). She will avoid releasing too much personal information to support her insights and knowledge, even among friends and acquaintances. The tendency to become emotionally caught up in the moment of an intense discussion can cause one to feel too intimate with the situation and thus reveal personal information that need not be shared publicly, even if one feels that it helps make a point. A proper lady will avoid the temptation to become too familiar with the group; will not make a statement that singles out anyone in the group, even if she thinks it is a compliment; will not disagree outright with another’s opinion; will not expound on another’s point by assuming she knows exactly what they meant or how they feel; and will never make any comment at another’s expense, even if she thinks she’s joking. She will never join in with others who are joking at someone’s expense, knowing that the latter action is always in bad taste. She will let others speak for themselves, facilitating deeper discussion by asking questions rather than merely stating opinions. In points of disagreement, the well-bred woman will try to find common ground or see things from the other person’s point of view, leading others by her example to return her the same courtesy.

When to listen

               A well-bred woman always pays attention when another is addressing the group, never carrying on side conversations or whispering. When the group leader speaks up over small talk, she will give him her attention.

How to listen

               The thoughtful woman will pay attention to everything that another says, without zoning out or flipping through her phone. She will mentally process everything she hears, which will produce a thoughtful rather than bored or indifferent expression upon her face. If possible, she will respectfully turn toward the direction of the one speaking. She will not jump to conclusions or make assumptions based on what she hears, choosing instead to accept it at face value. Doing this can be difficult with a person who jokes constantly, but by her example of believing and seriously considering everything that is said to her, a woman can eventually influence others to produce more thoughtful dialog in a group setting. If, while listening, she gains insights or knowledge from what is shared and wants to reflect on it further, she will journal her thoughts afterward to gain further understanding on the subject matter. If someone speaking gets choked up or angry or says something awkward, she will graciously participate in the group’s segueing the conversation to another plane instead of dwelling on the awkwardness of the moment; she may do so by either interjecting calmly upon a relevant point herself or looking at someone else who does so, instead of staring at the person who behaved awkwardly and making them feel more uncomfortable.

               The two most important aspects to consider in a group setting are:
1. Creating, fostering, and contributing to an environment in which each person , no matter their age, experience, or opinions, should feel comfortable participating and
2. making the most of each group meeting by keeping contributions high quality, manners impeccable, and the mind open to growing and learning from others.

               There is nothing quite like a group of diverse people from different areas, ethnic backgrounds, socio-economic backgrounds, and educational venues meeting voluntarily for group discussion. To have a truly productive meeting for the purpose of discussion, there is generally at least one point of common agreement, such as a moral standard, religious affiliation, political viewpoint, or social platform; however, the group members need not be carbon copies of each other. Such a uniform group setting would be less likely to have discussion and more likely to have constant reiteration and agreement with the collectively exclusive mindset. So with agreement on the common ground that brings group members together, such as in a charity group, animal rescue group, ministry team, community board, or church group, there ought to be agreement on the basic tenets but variety among other areas in the group members’ lives. When participating in a group, the tendency to only heed those that the group as a whole seems to agree with or to shut down opposing viewpoints can eventually drive a more diverse group to become smaller and more exclusive. While this may feel more comfortable for the remaining participants, it does little for their mental improvement and moral character. Gathering in small, exclusive groups can eventually cause the participants to become shut off from society, incapable of participating in more diverse settings, and increasingly prone to copying the ways of the others in the group instead of making their own decisions based on the wisdom, knowledge, experience, and resources available to them. In my personal experience, I have found that the denomination of the church I attend now is more diverse in their Sunday Schools and small group Bible studies than the denomination of my youth. In the former, not everyone may agree on everything that would be classified as major doctrines, not to mention the smaller things in life; in the latter, it is common to find the people so comparable to each other that there are noticeable patterns among the members, such as a common income level, a narrow range of common career choices, nearly identical lifestyle choices, and even a standard dress code! Thus, beyond simply being polite and considerate of others when participating in small groups, a woman who perceives the merits of diversity and the drawbacks of uniformity will consider the overall goal and future of the groups in which she chooses to participate.

Being well-bred in your neighborhood

               How should a well-bred woman conduct herself in her neighborhood, specifically one that is a bit older, run-down, or lower on the socio-economic scale? With grace, wisdom, and patience, as in the following examples.

               If she spends her days at home, a woman may tend to pass many hours at the windows peeking out every time a dog barks, a person shouts, or a vehicle drives by. While common sense and awareness of one’s surroundings is useful, one can take one’s curiosity to an extreme by obeying every impulse to discover what is happening outside. In humbler neighborhoods, houses are closer, people move around quite a bit, and there will likely be no shortage of dogs who will bark at anything from strangers to squirrels. Knowing this will help the curious woman refrain from indulging every desire to know what is happening in her neighborhood at every moment. One can become caught up for several minutes staring at a dialogue between neighbors across the street, while trying to read lips or invent reasons for their meeting. One can feel undue stress by imagining the possible scenarios caused by people walking about the neighborhood, such as service and repair men; city workers such as animal control workers, meter readers, or property assessors; salesmen; and religious folks out proselytizing.

               Unless someone knocks at the door, do not worry about their general presence in the neighborhood; this will only cause stress. Salesmen can be told kindly but firmly that one is not interested; the same approach should be used for those seeking to proselytize or invite one to a place of worship. In neither case must one wait to hear out their speech while trying to be polite if one already knows she is not interested; that only wastes time. During political seasons, one may wish to rebuff survey-givers and grassroots promoters. A “No Soliciting” sign may be helpful, but in many areas rude and inconsiderate people will completely ignore this and pound away at one’s door or bell anyway. Simply take a few deep breaths, answer the door, and then politely send them on their way. If the dialogue becomes heated, gently remind them that they are trespassing. Beware of people who begin their speech with “I’m not trying to sell anything.” If they are unfamiliar and accompanied by paperwork, they are most likely trying to sell something. An exception to the above would be when the neighbors’ children come by trying to sell items for their school’s fundraiser. However one treats them will likely be the same way one’s own child will be treated someday when in that position.

               Concerning barking dogs, there is little one can do about the neighbors’ dogs. Yelling at them will only make one look petty and angry and it seldom works. If one’s own dogs bark frequently at things they should not, such as squirrels, regular neighbors, or servicemen, begin proper training as well as consider implementing bark collars or a privacy fence. However, when one lives in a low-end neighborhood, adding too many special features to one’s lawn such as expensive fencing or other amenities may merely result in one’s having the nicest property on the block without bringing up the value proportionately should the home ever be resold. Beware of over-improving both the inside and outside of an older home in a neighborhood where the general feel is that of casualness or mediocrity. One’s home will only attain so much value, mostly because of the neighborhood influence.

               When looking for a first home, another home, a second home, or an investment to rent out, beware of low priced “good deals.” Compare the price of a potential house to buy with the estimated values of the surrounding houses; if they are within $20,000 or so, the house is not really a good deal. Instead, it is a home that will not end up being worth any more than the neighboring homes, but may cost much in improvement expenses just to make it livable. The well-bred woman knows that cost does not necessarily equal value, and will consider a variety of factors to determine in which neighborhood she would like to settle. That said, if she finds herself in an affordable neighborhood that she does not exactly love, or if her neighborhood has declined over the years, she can still adopt and develop an elegant, professional, well-bred attitude toward both her living situation and her neighbors. This includes not spying, not stressing over the actions of others which one cannot control, and setting the example of how one would like her neighbors to treat her by being quiet, courteous, and respectful; minding her own business; not spreading or listening to gossip; not returning evil for evil; and both maintaining and beautifying her yard and home.

               Meanwhile, if one is not happy with one’s circumstances, one can and certainly should try to put away some money regularly in order to make the move she dreams of, using the common sense gained over the years to aid her in making a better choice the next time she signs a 30-year loan! Although moving one day may be the goal, however, do not let discontentment, discouragement, or excessive daydreaming cloud the present days. Find the balance between planning, wishing, and hoping for the future and deriving satisfaction, happiness, and good memories from the present. No matter how poor one is or how unbearable one’s neighbors are, one can still choose to be happy. And in the meantime, one may just find solace in spending more outdoor time at parks or nature sanctuaries instead of one’s yard if one yearns for an escape from the mundane. Wherever you live, cherish the opportunity to exercise the finer character qualities of a well-bred woman in your neighborhood!